Doxxing Trump

They tried hard to hush the story up at the time, but we were all using our phones to record directly to the Cloud, where our front desks got it instantly.

President Trump was holding a press conference in the Oval Office. The White House had promised it was BIG news that would guarantee the election for him. The White House press corps had been guessing ever since the announcement. A REAL cure for Covid-19 at last? Some REAL dirt on Biden? A falling-out with Putin?

But we never found out.

The Oval Office was pretty crowded once we had all been ushered in. Then President Trump took his seat, and Vice President Pence and several of the usual aides lined up behind him. He straightened a thin sheaf of papers on the desk in front of him. He opened his mouth.

That’s when something began to buzz.

It sounded like it was coming from the desk drawer by his right knee.

Something else began to buzz.

President Trump seemed startled. He closed his mouth. He opened it again, like a goldfish. He had the color down pat.

Ben Howard, who had worked for Gizmodo before he joined NPR, said, “Mr. President. Sir. That sounds an awful lot like vibrators. Did you leave them on?”

The buzzing intensified as if… Well, Meg O’Connor of the Times said it for all of us. “Sounds like a whole box of them. Fleshlights too.”

Vice’s Tom Hardy said, “I saw something about this. Canada said people should maintain distance even during sex. Then Teledildonics, Inc., got hacked and the customers’ names, addresses, and access codes were posted on the Internet.”

Vice President Pence began to turn purple.

Someone snorted. “Thousands of people trying to jazz the President!”

“NO!” screamed the President. “It’s a Democratic plot! They just want to make me look bad! Just like with the potademic!”

“It’s your desk, Mr. President.”

“Nancy Pelosi! Chuck Shumer! They were in here last week! They’re social distancing tools! And I never touched them!”

Someone laughed.

Someone else asked, “Did you share them?”

“Of course! I told Don Jr. to help himself.”

“Did you give any to Melania? Or Ivanka?”

“Of course! You know I love both of them! And I’m a very generous guy! Everyone says so!”


That was when a Secret Service agent leaned over the President and whispered in his ear. The President’s mouth slammed shut. He glared at us. His desk drawer kept buzzing.

I hoped our recorders were catching it, but I wouldn’t find out if record-to-Cloud had worked properly for months. The Secret Service ushered us out of the room, confiscated our electronics, and locked us up—comfortably, I must admit—in the bunker.

We weren’t allowed out until after the election.

–Tom Easton

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