CNN, August 15, 2022: CAPITOL ATTACK HITS SLIPPERY SLOPE
The latest white supremacist attack on the US Capitol came to a slippery end this rainy afternoon when Capitol Police sprayed the Capitol steps with hagfish slime supplied by the Department of Homeland Security.
Hagfish slime expands 10,000-fold when exposed to water. It is also extraordinarily sticky and slippery. The 300 attackers charging up the steps with flags, AR-15s, cattle-prods, flash-bangs, and gas grenades promptly slid back down the steps. As the bodies piled up, the guns and other weapons began going off. No one dared to approach the pile of struggling, screaming men and women.
Emergency Medical personnel say they expect to see many deaths when they finally untangle the bodies and wash away the slime.
According to DHS spokesperson Rachel Pettingill, the DHS obtained the slime from Rhode Island fish farmer Richard Chase. Chase raises the hagfish for the South Korean market. Chase told CNN, “The slime is an unwanted by-product. It really gets in the way. But then I thought it could be used for riot control and contacted DNS.”
Speaking from his mother’s basement, QAnon spokesman Bert “Shaman” Pillock immediately called the use of slime to attack peaceful protestors “Grossly unfair!” He was not present.
Stephen Colbert Show, August 15, 2022
“We know that politicians like to slime each other, but this? A New England fish farmer had too much slime on his hands, so he shipped it to Washington. And it turned out to be useful!”
“Look at that! It’s the perfect non-lethal defense. No one gets hurt unless they hurt themselves.
“Our special guest tonight is Calvin Schlumpeter, star quarterback for the New England Patriots. Tell me, Cal, do you think it would help if a team’s uniforms could be coated with hagfish slime?”
“I really don’t think that the commissioners would allow that! But I looked this up! The slime can be used to make fabric.”
“Coming soon, folks! Sports uniforms and getaway clothes. Slippery when wet!”
Apponaug Online, August 18, 2022: FISH FARM VANDALIZED
A local fish farm was vandalized last night by masked men in camouflage outfits. The farm’s owner, Richard Chase, reported to police that the men destroyed several fish pens and set fire to the warehouse. They also overturned a trailer full of fish waste from a nearby fish processing plant in the parking area.
Local police are reviewing security camera footage showing six “persons of interest” wearing masks and camo jackets and pants. The footage also showed a white pickup truck with a Kentucky plate.
Mr. Chase plans to talk to his insurance company today. However, he says, the hagfish he was raising in the pens are not covered. He will be unable to make all his contracted deliveries to South Korea or the Department of Homeland Security for some time.
South Koreans consider hagfish a delicacy. DHS recently started using hagfish slime for riot control.
Fox News, August 18, 2022: Q-ANON CALLS SLIME TERRORISM
QAnon celebrity spokesman Bert “Shaman” Pillock defends attack on Rhode Island fish farm. “Using hagfish slime on peaceful protestors is nothing but terrorism. And terrorists need to be taken out. If the government won’t do it, we will.”
NPR, August 20, 2022: PETA SUES TO STOP HAGFISH FARMING
People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals has charged Rhode Island hagfish farm Slime Rickey with cruelty to animals and sued in state court to halt the farm’s operations. PETA spokesperson Adam Wankler claimed that “Slime Rickey feeds its fish with garbage! Fish deserve clean food!”
Slime Rickey’s owner, Richard Chase, told NPR that “I raise hagfish. Garbage is what they eat. They’re predators and scavengers.”
CNN, August 25, 2022: PROTESTORS TO GATHER AT FISH FARM
People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals has announced plans to picket Rhode Island hagfish farm Slime Rickey. “We are printing signs as we speak,” said spokesperson Adam Wankler. “We will block the delivery of the fish guts they abuse their hagfish with! But the fish will not starve. We are arranging a delivery of soy-based fish food.”
“We will be there too!” said QAnon spokesman Bert “Shaman” Pillock. “We plan to peacefully exercise our right to bear arms. But if we are attacked by terrorists, we will defend ourselves!”
CNN, August 28, 2022: ANTI-HAGFISH PROTEST ENDS QUICKLY
Slime Rickey’s workers had just finished loading a truck with tanks of seawater and live hagfish to be shipped air express to South Korea when protestors from People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals and QAnon flooded into the company’s parking lot. The PETA protestors were waving signs saying “Fish Deserve Fish Food!” and “Garbage In, Garbage Out.” The QAnon protestors were carrying AR-15s and waving signs saying “Americans Hate Slime Terror!”
Lead by Bert “Shaman” Pillock, the QAnon protestors immediately charged the hagfish truck. The driver and other workers fled as the truck began to rock on its tires. When it toppled, an estimated 10,000 hagfish spilled across the parking lot.
When stressed, a single hagfish can release enough slippery slime to fill a bucket. Those protestors who did not immediately flee were soon flat on the ground and covered in slime.
When the police arrived, they went quietly.
CNN reporter Ann Jenkins asked Mr. Pillock what he planned to do next. He just said, “A bath!”